Dear Zackery,

This is us. This is before we let ourselves be blinded by other people, anger, mean words and tears... and became like all the other couples that we saw crash and burn. This is before we became what we swore we never would be. Somehow, within the past year we became closer than we ever were, and then became weaker than I ever thought possible. Through thick and thin, I know that the angry words and yelling isnt who we are.  I know its us being passionate about one another. The anger and the fear float over our heads and seeps through our pores. I still love you. I cannot keep away from you, and I cannot convince myself otherwise. I know you hate me. I wish you didnt. I wish you would come up here and keep the promises that were made only a month ago. I wish I was your girlfriend. I never wished anything else. This freedom that you think i enjoy so much, is the worst time of my life. My great-grandmother is slowly dying, I do not have my home, Ive been uprooted from everything I have grown to depend on, Avery is gone, And you hate me. I do not have any friends who I can depend on. So i blog. And i try not to think about the pain. I am sorry that I did not come across as tortured and depressed on there, but you know for a fact that I was in real life. In this shitty real world that I am stuck in. Without you.

I lied about talking to someone. NEVER did I have any intentions to cheat on you. Or flirt with anyone. I honestly cannot believe that you do not trust me when I say that, but I cannot convince you otherwise. It does hurt looking back on all the lies I was fed, along with those famous angry words... and how I grabbed you and made you see that you didnt mean it. And we laid  and cried with one another. 

I dont know how weve lost sight of who we are. Together. I dont know if you even care about me. If there is even an ounce of honor, respect, love, and devotion that was there three months ago... I dont know why we are here. I want you. I want you in my life. I need you. But I cant make you want those things.

I will do anything. But an offer is just an offer until you decide if you want me.

Right now I am beaten, I am sick, I am torn, I am betrayed.... I am heartbroken. I dont know my worth anymore. I dont know why I am alone. I dont know what I am living for. I dont know why nobody in this world is able to love me and treat me right, and keep me. Or want me. This is something I have struggled with my entire life. From boyfriends who cheat, to friends who break me down, to my family who plays mental games with me. I am not healthy. But I am with you. I am filled with love and passion and commitment. You know that this is true. I dont stop until I make you see the mistakes you are making. And maybe that was my downfall. Maybe I am my mother after all. I am sorry if i have cause you any pain.

But I hope you never forget those nights at the park, the first time you told me you loved me with that note, taking pictures in bed and laughing all night... those simple times.

The ones that I crave and miss more than anything. 

I am empty.

My mother always said "You can never make somebody love you." And now I feel that way.

'Real love is forever". Even if you are not with me, my feelings will never change.

I will always be your Manda. And you will forever be my Papi.

I wish you nothing but happiness, with or without me.

Please, never forget me.

I love you.

-Manda.