11:11 pm

If only i believed in wishes, I would wish for you here with me. I wish that it was January and I had  my own apartment, and you could come and stay as long as you wanted. I would cook my food for you, and hold you close. I would walk around the apartment with my hair a mess and my pjs on, because you like me when I dress down. I would watch you and Avery play and have fun. Im sure she misses you. I miss you so much. But youre her father. Im sure somewhere down there in her puppy head shes thinking about the dog park, bones, running around, and laying on the floor watching you play your games. Although she does love me more. 

Today, Jeremy has watched many stereotypical dude movies:

• saving private ryan
• point break
• mission impossible two
• the walking dead (season finale was gay)
• pearl harbor

I cant wait to get my space and fill it with my things. Make it mine. Do as I please. Miss you. Do webcam dances for you. Everything. E v e r y t h i n g.

Today made me sad. Its pretty simple. I feel emotionally drained and tired. But I cant sleep because they are out here.I hate living in a living room. 

I have useless knowledge of movies. Celebrities. Facts that nobody will ever need in life. Except at Chee Burger Chee Burger. I want a turkey burger. I want my wraps. I want a salad with a bunch of unhealthy things on it. I want you to take me to the chinese buffet I want a walk on a cold night down a nice route. Theres this place up here called Uptown. Its so nice. Its a nice park area. I want to walk there with you.

its a nice place. there are docks, and right now its lit up for Christmas. Maybe we could go Friday night and walk. If I can find it. I got lost today, its just that everything around here connects to a highway somehow if you go down far enough. I hope I dont get lost on my way to work tomorrow. Its off of I4, which is much worse than 95. But at least my car is fixed. 

I am grateful my grandfather fixed my car. I told my grandma that and she said thats what family does. But, you  know how I am with pride. I am horrible at feeling in debt to people.

Ive been thinking of what I want to get you when I get enough money. How about we both get Universal Annual Passes? 

Its at the part of Saving Private Ryan where Vin Deasel gets shot. I hate war movies. Britt and I were just saying  how when we see Tom Hanks we think of Woody. Like that concept i told you about, where every actor in a movie has all the previous skills and traits from his previous ones? I think that would be so fucking funny. Tom Hanks as an astronaut, war hero, 'special' toy cowboy. I M A G I N E.

So far, the way that this website is... I think you could make it for your website. Its so customizable. PostSecret runs through this site. When you type in postsecret.com it routes you here. So Im sure you guys could do it too. And stumbleupon.com is a good place to find interesting video game related things. I find a lot of stuff on there, most I show you. You should look into it.

Im ranting on, trying to give you something to look forward to and smile. Imagine that we are in your car really late driving to Sonic, and I am ranting on like I always do. I miss you. So much. 

And my love is deep, forgiving, and ever lasting. And I would never hurt you on purpose. Ever. 

Let the distance be a bridge from the sad gray past, to the new glimmering horizon.

I want my milk thistle tattoo. You really want that 2 b r 0 2 b? I liked the story. I would sacrifice myself to save my child, only if i knew it would be in good hands. Its sad to think some people are faced with things like that. Like, a father watching his wife dying giving birth... and he has to chose which deserves to live. I would choose the child.I imagine my life would be a small price to pay to give. I bet if you asked people what they would do, hardly would choose to pick the child. I care too much about things.

Being here with Rylee everyday makes me smile. Shes so smart, but shes a pain. And sneaky. I cant wait to raise my child. Teach them the animals and the stars. She looked at the moon the other day and said "The moon is a planet Manda." It made me smile. I tell her I love her a lot. She says she loves me back.

Only you and Rylee, do i say "I love you" when its not second nature. Like getting off the phone with your mother type thing. Smile knowing that you are that to me.

Today, when we were fighting, these lyrics came to mind:

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer
I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall
I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the finess
Come on skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split
I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?
Now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines
Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind? 

 

I dont want anything but you, that ring on my finger, and to fall asleep with my head on your chest... listening to you breath and your heart beat slowing down. Youre what I need. I dont mean to control you, youre no puppet. At any time you think that you need to walk away from me, I will understand. I downloaded a book to my phone about controlling emotions. I know i need help. One day I will be the woman you met when we first fell in love again.

I  love you my dear, forever and beyond.