theres a sinking in my chest.
a half empty dip.
a half full dip.
a dip i havent felt.


i miss it.
i love you.
i tried, i did and you know that i did.

i think this distance ruined everything.
but i only came because it fell apart.

i guess this crack was too deep to patch up.

you know it doesnt mean that i dont love you.
if you really think that now, i feel sorry for you.
i feel sorry for you if you have to lie to yourself about what happened to make yourself feel stronger.
i am facing the facts and the pain and the loneliness.
i am facing it all by myself.
i have been alone since october, and i always had the fear this was going to happen.

Please, remember me
Happily
By the rosebush laughing
With bruises on my chin
The time when
We counted every black car passing
Your house beneath the hill
And up until
Someone caught us in the kitchen
With maps, a mountain range,
A piggy bank
A vision too removed to mention
But

Please, remember me
Fondly
I heard from someone you're still pretty
And then
They went on to say
That the pearly gates
Had some eloquent graffiti
Like 'We'll meet again'
And 'Fuck the man'
And 'Tell my mother not to worry'
And angels with their gray
Handshakes
Were always done in such a hurry
And

Please, remember me
At Halloween
Making fools of all the neighbors
Our faces painted white
By midnight
We'd forgotten one another
And when the morning came
I was ashamed
Only now it seems so silly
That season left the world
And then returned
And now you're lit up by the city
So

Please, remember me
Mistakenly
In the window of the tallest tower call
Then pass us by
But much too high
To see the empty road at happy hour
Leave and resonate
Just like the gates
Around the holy kingdom
With words like 'Lost and Found' and 'Don't Look Down'
And 'Someone Save Temptation'
And
Please, remember me
As in the dream
We had as rug-burned babies
Among the fallen trees
And fast asleep
Aside the lions and the ladies
That called you what you like
And even might
Give a gift for your behavior
A fleeting chance to see
A trapeze
Swing as high as any savior
But

Please, remember me
My misery
And how it lost me all I wanted
Those dogs that love the rain
And chasing trains
The colored birds above there running
In circles round the well
And where it spells
On the wall behind St. Peter's
So bright with cinder gray
And spray paint
'Who the hell can see forever?'
And

Please, remember me
Seldomly
In the car behind the carnival
My hand between your knees
You turn from me
And said 'The trapeze act was wonderful
But never meant to last'
The clown that passed
Saw me just come up with anger
When it filled with circus dogs
The parking lot
Had an element of danger
So

Please, remember me
Finally
And all my uphill clawing
My dear
But if i make
The pearly gates
Do my best to make a drawing
Of G-d and Lucifer
A boy and girl
An angel kissin on a sinner
A monkey and a man
A marching band
All around the frightened trapeze swingers

Now I helped her
And I dressed her wounds
And how I held her
Beneath the rising moon
And she stood to fly
And she stood to fly away
And she stood to fly
She stood to fly away
 

And all I ever meant to do was to keep you
My crane wife
My crane wife
My crane wife

There's a bend in the wind and it rakes at my heart
There is blood in the thread and it rakes at my heart
It rakes at my heart

today i spoke to a wall.

a wall who used to speak back.
who used to show compassion.
who used to say sweet things.
who i knew, without a doubt in my mind, loved me.
loved me more than anything and thought i was the one.

i have the letters.
i have the cards.
i have the memories.
thats all i have left.

a wall whos full of anger.
who wont look past it and see that im drifting away.
i told you i was leaving.
im telling you its hard to hold on.
and you speak to me the way you do.
you make me feel like im holding onto you with knuckles white, for no reason at all.


youre right.
maybe it is a choice i am making.
and that doesnt concern you?
instead you get mad.
and yell.
and say things to me to break me down.


i am already far from broken.
theres no word for what i feel about you.
about the "us" that once was.


you can be angry.
you can be anything you want to be.
its not my place anymore to tell you how to act.
im just a girl to you now.
someone who makes you nothing but angry.

i am just a girl now to you.
one who you used to do everything for.
who knew you loved her without you ever having to try.

this girl needs more from you  because of all thats happened.
of all thats going on.

if you dont want it.
if you cant do it.
then dont.
tell me.
because right now i feel like the wall will be a wall forever.
i dont think ill ever get you back.


and i think that all you want is the anger.
"remember me for the times i ruined you, not the times i made you smile"

thats what weve been reduced to.
i havent forgotten.
i never will.


i never wanted to be the one who let go first.
but here i am.

i dont feel like theres anything left for me to hold onto.
an angry shell of a man who loved me at one time is all i see.


i cant blame you.
but i cant support someone who cant even make me feel worth anything.

you can have your anger, but you cant have me too.


youre mad right now.
you should be sad like i am.

but its not my place to say.

im just a girl to you now.
that you used to want and used to love with all you have,


a girl whos walking away and doesnt want to.

but thats all thats left.



ill never forget.
you can be angry.

i cant blame you.

you cant blame me for the choice ive made.
not that it matters to you anymore.

i wish i knew you.
i wish things never changed.


i wish i mattered to you.

but i dont.


and i dont think i ever will again.



you can be angry.
but you lost me there.
and i dont think it matters,
and i dont think you care.




i wish you cared.
i wish you loved.
i wish you understood.
but you dont want to.


eyes closed wont make it go away





i m gone.
i love you.
i wish you cared enough to know.

This is the story of the boys who loved you
Who love you now and loved you then
And some were sweet, some were cold and snuffed you
And some just laid around in bed.

Some had crumbled you straight to your knees
Did it cruel, did it tenderly
Some had crawled their way into your heart
To rend your ventricles apart
This is the story of the boys who loved you
This is the story of your red right ankle.

Looking at 2011 thus far,

things havent been this hard in quite some time.
i wont go into detail, you were there too... in a way.
its weird that i only feel the distance when i am not around people.
like laying on the couch at night.
or eating lunch alone in my car.



but its hard.
and i am sorry if i dont take it as well as i should.
and im sorry if i take it out on you.
i am going to seek help for this issue that i may have, and i hope it betters me.
and us.


i dont want to grow up and end up like my mom.
have my kids scared of me.
i dont want a future like my moms.


my dad got drunk last night and said it was a waste of a perfectly 'genius' brain for me to have never gone to school.
i dont know about that.... but i miss learning.
and i think my mind has in fact lost some knowledge along the way.


lost of things have been lost on this road.
ive been out of school for 4 years.
youre back in.
i am so very proud of you....


i am proud of you even if you have a bright future without me in it.
i am proud of you for all you have ever done.
i love you.

Wasted with the rhythm
angry at the melody
How did you stay so sweet?
Cause you were my ally once
You were my confidante
I need somebody close
to be close to
forever

What was stolen from us
now is forever lost

I dont know the meaning of words anymore.

words are just letters pushed together to make forms.
that no longer hold meaning.
no value.

life. love. self worth.
i thought i knew. but i dont.

i am a bad person.
i am nothing.
i dont want to find myself.

i want to find my way back to where i was with you.
i want to be a fresh faced 18 year old with nothing to lose.


but i turned into some monster.
who treats you bad and makes you do horrible things.

and i never meant it.
how could i even make a plan to have that outcome?
i never sat down and wrote that plan.
its not true.


"you cant do this to me anymore"

'this'


rip my heart out and hand it to the next person you see because i dont need it anymore.
i dont want it.

if its not with you then it doesnt matter.
and you wont take it so leave it where you wish.


i scare you.
i break you down.

none of this is true,
or maybe it is.


maybe it doesnt matter anymore.





i dont want to matter anymore.



but who cares what i want?
not you.
not anymore.






1-7-11 at 7 am you told me you loved me. at 9:02 you told me not to treat you like 'this' anymore.







who have i been made into?



i wish i was dead. laying in that bed instead of her.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/582S09/www.designboom.com/weblog/cat/10/view/9741/evol.html

PAPI

devil in the details.

how did you stay so sweet?